Just When I Thought
by pinkdogsarehappy1
Summary: When Bella and Renesmee are killed, Edward doesn't see the point in living. But killing yourself isn't that easy when you are a vampire.*ONE SHOT* Post-Breaking Dawn


**A/N: I would never usually write something as depressing as this, but this helped me in, and possibly out of the mood I was in. Do NOT read this if you are looking for something cheerful. While I do not have Edward come to his end without reason, it's not the happiest story out there. Read at your own risk.**

**Disclaimer: **Yes, I do not own Twilight... but judging by this one shot ... maybe that's a good thing... ;)

**---**

Just when I thought we had forever, she was gone, both of them. No warning. So here I was, holding my two detached fangs in my fingers.

Someone had seen them. Or more likely, a pair had seen them, and assumed. Perhaps they had friends who had suffered from immortal children, and were infuriated that my beautiful, lovely wife had "gotten away" with it. I was told it was too dark for them to see the deep chocolate brown eyes of the child that reminded me so much of her mother. How they had mistaken my Renesmee's size for that of a immortal child, though, I could not comprehend. Either way, they had attacked. Simultaneously. Never giving my Bella a chance to explain, or more likely, put her strongest shield around Renesmee. By the time Alice had seen it, and gotten there, Bella, my sweet, sweet bride, was on the ground, in a pile of ashes. What was almost worse was that Renesmee had faired no better. My charming, adorable daughter. I'd never look into those liquid rich chocolate brown eyes, wondering how something so perfect, so amazing, was my daughter, the way the fact that Bella belonged to me had always amazed me. Well, I suppose Fate had realized their mistake, and had fixed it as soon as possible. They were gone.

And just a week from our anniversary too. I had been in Los Angeles looking for the perfect gift. How could fate be so cruel, not toward me, but toward Bella and Renesmee? Punishing the most selfless, endearing beings I had ever known? Leaving Bella and Renesmee with no one to protect them? If I had been there I would have been able to read their minds and protect them even if it was just a mere second before. Or if Alice, or Jasper had been there, everything would be different.

Well, I would have no more of it. I would put an end to making people I loved, guilty by association.

I had gone after them, but not for revenge. I knew Jacob would more than adequately take care of that. If there was anyone who hurt as much as I did about losing Renesmee, as much as it pained me to say it, it was Jacob. No, I went after them to complete the first act of my self-destruction. In a pub, I had found only one of the two, which was perfectly fine, for I wanted to kill myself by myself, and two may have been too much for me too handle. He was very cocky, and self-assured, and it was easy to convince him to come outside to have a good old-fashioned human style fight. I started spitting insults I knew would anger him. He took the bait and swung a punch. It would be no problem dodging it, but since that was not my intention, I positioned my self so that the punch would hit my teeth. They didn't budge. My opponent would have to hit me harder.

I slashed out with more verbal assaults, and he swung more punches. When I pretended to lose balance, I let him smash me to the ground, punching me again, and again, aiming at my face. Well. That was helpful. With each hit getting more and more powerful, I could feel my teeth getting looser and looser. I reached up with my hand and slapped him, hard, right across the face. He was surprised, since I had done my maneuver at the exact moment he was most vulnerable. I said some more belittling comments, and this time he used both fists, punching the opposite sides of face. I bared my teeth, so the impact on my fangs would be more direct. I could feel my fangs become detached, and reading his mind, I said, hopefully for the last time, the most offensive things could possibly say to him in particular. He had absolutely exploded right then, and gave me two earth-shattering blows on both side of my face. I could feel teeth pop out, and land with a "clink" on the ground beside me.

Perfect.

I pretended to have lost the will to fight, and with one last punch, and a kick in the gut, he walked away. I waited till he disappeared to collect my teeth.

I knew, if Bella was here now she would not want me to be doing what I was about to do. But I also knew if she was in the same situation as I was, she would do the same thing as me, in a moment. Renesmee wasn't here either, to persuade me to stay, and her absence was even more reason for me to go through with it.

I took a match from the matchbox I had brought to start my incineration, while not exactly deciding about that aspect of it, struck it, and put it atop of the pile of wood i had gathered. Lighting a fire in the woods would not seem that suspicious, I thought. I could just be reminiscing about camping with Bella and Renesmee. I took one fang, and "decided not to stab myself" while stabbing it into the only breakable part in my skin, my neck. I stuck my finger into where the tear was and "accidently" peeled it. It was a strange, uncomfortable, only slightly painful sensation. I threw the piece into the fire. Even though I did want to revel in the uncomfortable, but tolerable pain, I would have to peel much quicker now, or the opening in my skin would close up, and I only had one more fang left if that happened, and also because Alice was bound to be figuring out that I wasn't peeling myself to death by accident. I had chosen these secluded woods for a reason.

It was 30 minutes from any type of road, for me, but since I was the fastest, it would probably take them a little longer than that to get here, once Alice saw my decision and they realized what I was planning on doing. I had come here on the pretense of "getting a grip" as Emmet would so eloquently put it. But that pretense had changed the second I threw a piece of myself into the fire. They would be coming, so I had no time to lose peeling piece by piece, layer by layer. I went even faster, the coolness on my truly bare body becoming slightly disconcerting. I dared not look at myself, knowing it wouldn't be pleasant.

When I was left only with my head, torso, and arms, I wrote a letter to my family quickly, and finished it a couple seconds later. I read it over, one more time to make sure I had written everything correctly.

_Dear Family,_

_I want you all to know I love you so, so very much, but that this was the only way. Being existent in your lives would only be more painful for everyone, for I would be despondent, silent, shut away in my roo- no that would be much to painful, just doubtlessly be more dead than, than, well, dead, quite frankly. This way, I have a chance at seeing Bella again. While I don't think I will be going to heaven on my own accord, maybe Bella and Renesmee's love for me, and want for me with them, will be granted because of the selfless angels that they are. I love them so much. I just cannot stay here in the past. I want every one of you to know I blame not one you for what happened! It was a decision of fate, and nothing you could have done would have stopped it. Know that I love you all._

_Alice: Stop beating your self up! I know you loved Bella as a sister, and as best friend, but you have Jasper, and it WILL be okay. You did the best you could under the circumstances, and I thank you for that._

_Jasper: You'd do best to take care of my sister! Though I doubt I have to say that, because I know you will. Love her like you've never loved before, and be grateful for each and every moment you have with her. Thanks for always being that calm presence in my hectic mood swings, and I love you, my brother and friend._

_Esme: My dear, dear mother, I love you. Thank you for loving and taking care of me, and protecting me unconditionally. Thank you for always having faith in me, and I hope you are not disappointed in me now. Know that this is the best way for me, even though I hate hurting you. I love you._

_Carlisle: I'm going into one of the few unknown things of our kind. You always said that there was heaven for us. Well I guess I'm about to find out. Right now I have no choice, but to believe in the strong love I have for Bella and Renesmee, and in their love for me, and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough to bring me back to them. I'll let you know when I find out._

_Emmet: I'm going to miss your irresponsible deeds, and practical jokes. Even though a lot of them were directed at me. Your mind was always so refreshing to hear to though, after an "exciting" day, because of your straight forwardness. I always admired the way you always said what you thought, exactly the way you thought them. I will miss you big brother. I love you._

_Rosalie: I know we haven't always gotten along, but I know deep down underneath all of it, I do love you too, sister. Take care of Emmet and don't always let him get his way. I'm counting on you to keep him in check, like only you can. You just be headstrong and beautiful as you always have and will be._

_Love forever and always,_

_Edward_

To Jacob, I wrote a separate letter because it something a little more personal. I suppose, I didn't really mind if my family read it, but I wanted Jacob to be the one to keep it. I wrote it down, and finished a couple more second later, and read for the last time.

_Jacob,_

_I know from the beginning we were on ends with each other, but I want you to know that I think of you truly, even if I had only said it once before in extreme circumstances, as my brother and son. Thank you for never leaving Bella's side, when I was so mindless to do so. I've seen you with Renesmee, and I accept that you were perfect for her. I couldn't have found a better man. Go after revenge though, only if you think it is necessary. Whatever you chose do you, I know you will do it thoroughly. I also wish you success in whatever you chose to do after. Whether that may be life or death. I sincerely hope we meet again someday, but then again, we might not, even if you choose the latter, for I do not know where I'm going. Thank you for always caring for Bella and always having her best interests in mind, being with her when I couldn't, even when we were both competing for her heart. But now, I don't regret that decision of leaving her so much as before, since it meant you, in the end, met Renesmee. Even though she is gone now, I can't imagine that you regret meeting her? I know I don't regret meeting and loving Bella, even as it has ended like this. No, it has not ended, it simply will begin again. I miss her so much, and know that you are not alone in the way you feel. While I am not man enough to be here still, some could say, know that you are never alone. If I, by no small some miracle, get to heaven, I will be watching over you, and looking forward to the day I get to see you again._

_Goodbye my brother... my son,_

_Edward_

I heard an engine being cut in the distance. Guess they were here. Time to step into the flames of... ash?

I stuck the letters under a rock, atop my clothes, and crawled over, dragging my torso into the fire. I could feel my arms, and what was left of my torso, slowly turning to ash._ "Oh no! Are we to late? The smoke! That smell!!"_ I heard in my head. Huh. Even in this state I could read minds, but that was probably because the flames hadn't got past my skull...yet.

At last, I felt my consciousness slipping away, and closed my eyes for the last time, and then, it was all gray.


End file.
